Rynders, Pity Party of Two

When I decided that writing about my breast cancer would be good medicine for me, I secretly promised myself that I would be honest and open even on the really hard days.

Yesterday was evidently one of those days and truthfully, my cancer isn't even the main plot line.  As most of you know Eric has a genetic heart condition that we've lived with all our married life.  In a nutshell, his heart will never be fixed and most of our focus is upon managing the by-products of his condition--the worst of which is an irregular heart rhythm.  Some people float in and out of these rhythms, but Eric needs to be cardioverted, "shocked", to get out of them.  He has had several ablations (google it), with varying success, and is scheduled to have another one on December 13.  I know--it's one of those situations that polite people only speak of in a whisper "both of them...his heart, her cancer, oh dear."  It's fine, I know it's something that goes through everyone's heads--family, close friends, Facebook stalkers.

So you'll forgive me if talking about the both of us being health risks is a topic I can't settle into.  I'll be honest, I hate it.  When you venture near it, I'll change subjects, say I'm feeling fine or Eric's been doing great, anything to appease that concerned look on your face.  Don't worry that I'm in denial or that I don't fully grasp the peril that my children are in--okay, now I'm just being a little dramatic.  It's like we're both carrying buckets of water.  Some days I help with his and some day he helps with mine.  Some days we glance at each other encouragingly and take care of our own.  This is where our faith comes in.  I believe that our God will not give us one more drop than we can carry.  Are our buckets heavy right now--you better believe it.  Heavier than we've ever imagined.  But in a weird way we've been preparing, exercising our arms and backs,  for this day for a long time.

As we drove to our motherland of Abbot Northwestern Hospital this weekend, I looked out the window and wondered if anyone would ever want to change places with the two of us.  We chuckled and said it was unlikely and then my dear husband reached over put his hand on my knee and said, "I wouldn't want to trade with any of them."

Medical Notes and Prayer Request for those of you who want to get to the point:
Chemo--this Thursday, pray that all the paperwork gets in order and it goes off as scheduled and that my side effects are manageable.
Eric--that his heart stays in rhythm as he transitions to a different med

The facts, the plan...

Here are the high points and the plan for those of you who like medical updates as seen by a middle-aged mom.

I have infiltrating ductal carcinoma--breast cancer. I had a mammogram in July that appeared normal, but in all likelihood it was there already but not noticeable. For the record it was my left one that betrayed me and I stumbled upon the lump after feeling a twinge or pain or something that caused me to rub in that area. I'm saying it was God forcing me to do a self exam.

I'm also something called triple positive which was really scary to hear, but I find out that it's actually good because I'm more reactive to treatment. Evidently my breast cells are more receptive to things--go figure.

Lots of you have wanted to know what stage...I've heard they're putting me at Stage 2b. Two because of the size of the tumor, b because I have at least one node that's already positive for cancer.

One of the good/bad things of being triple positive is that I'm positive for the category of HER2/neu. It's a factor that might have been a death sentence as recent as 10-15 years ago, but because of progress in cancer treatment, it's now the cancer that you want to have. They have an antibody that works perfectly against this. On top of that they have an additional med, approved just 2 weeks ago by the FDA that improves the effectiveness of this by 30%! My oncologist was giddy--I kid you not. "You picked the most amazing time to have this kind of cancer!" I'll be the second patient at Abbott to get it this new med.

The plan:

Because of the positive node and the invasive nature of this cancer, they want to hit it with chemo first--6 treatments, every 3 weeks, 18 weeks--starting one week from today. That brings us to April. Then we'll do surgery--yet to be determined how extensive. Then I'll continue the antibody meds for the rest of the year, followed by an oral med for several years following. The ongoing med is because this cancer is a gypsy and likes to throw cells out into the body and we want to be sure that we keep those all in check for the future.

Okay, so that was way too long for a facebook post. This weekend I will be starting to post updates on my blog. There will be medical stuff, updates, my ramblings and hopefully a chance for me to get back at writing.

Love to you all. Thank you for the prayers, I truly feel carried by them.

Categories and new file folders

This file faces me as I sit at my computer and type. More ominously, this category hangs over and underlines the next several months of my life, actually the rest of my life. Even when this is a distant memory I will always have had cancer. Wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, executive assistant, writer, photographer, Christian--all categories I'm happy to embrace and proudly promote. Cancer not so much.

When I took the call, I was sitting in a quiet unoccupied office. Oddly or fittingly I was in the exact same place where I was when I heard that my boss' wife had my exact same cancer several months ago. "Are you still at work and are you in a place where you can talk?" My heart sunk. "I'm so sorry to tell you..." The unlit room got even darker. As I numbly drove home, the tears came and I think I pounded my fist on the steering wheel--all vain thrashings to try to get out of this box I had so cruelly been thrown into. I opened my mouth to pray, not knowing what would come out. Anger, fear, panic? What the overflow of my heart would be? My heart said, "Don't squander it. If I have to do this thing, God, don't squander it! Use every miserable inch of it to do something, something big."

 So this is my sad post about moving in an instant from one type of life to another. People have these moments all the time, this was just mine that came on a dreary October afternoon. I now know lots of things about this category and although I'd rather not, I know I can handle it. God made me strong for a time like this. I've seen the blessings and sweet things to be found in the bitterest of categories. And daily God is answering the pathetic, sad prayer that fell out of my mouth as I pounded my fists like a stubborn toddler. He is using this time to shape me, to show me that He is in control of my life, my health and my assigned categories.

The Great Wall

I'm not sure where I got the idea that the Great Wall would involve lots of walking, but didn't give any idea to the incline...this morning my calves are killing me! Our time in the mountains was lovely and we enjoyed a "farm style" lunch just down the mountain from the wall. Simon would probably say one of his highlights today was taking a toboggan run down the mountain at the end of our visit. It was pretty unbelievable to stand atop something with such a huge historical presence.

Hello from the other side of the world!

Simon, Tami and I have made it safely to Beijing and are settling nicely into local time. I wake up early (I can easily blame that on my Nykamp genes) and want to lay my head done when we're having diner (I can easily blame that on the aftermath of our busy daytime schedules) so it's been fairly manageable. Our flight was long--about 13 hours from Toronto to Beijing--and I did consider a parachute at about 9 hours, but we survived and Simon was able to sleep the last 4 hours of the trip. A large over-exhausted, 10-year-old flopping around in a confined sleep area was less than ideal but once he got comfortable he was able to get some much needed rest. Upon arrival (around 4:30 pm local time) and pick up by Shawn and Trixi (my sister-in-law's sister and her Chinese husband) we dropped out things at home and then went out to one of their favorite dumpling spots. Dumplings are one of our favorite things at home so having dozens of varieties to choose from was a treat. Beijing traffic is crazy! Trixi has done a wonderful job of taking her midwest driving skills and becoming one of the locals (she has been here about 9 years) but there are times that Tami and I just close our eyes. Lots of honking, congested streets and locals dodging between traffic on foot or by bike--generally without a care about the traffic flying by them. Simon has thoroughly enjoyed riding beside the many Bentleys and pink cars that feel these congested roads. The first day Trixi had set up a tour through Beijing's bell tower and the Hutong region. We were pedaled through these by bicyclists in our little carts. We learned about how to figure out what kind of people lived through these ornate doors or very simple doors based on markings above and beside the doors. A Hutong is a home with a central courtyard and living quarters on 4 sides. Most have been converted into regular homes, but they maintain several in this region for historical purposes. Once Simon got over some initial shyness he made conversation with our driver and several of the other drivers who were waiting to give people rides. It was so fun to see people gather around to watch this "big" little kid tell them about his family and the school he attends in the US. They all complimented him that his Chinese was very good--yeah, Excelsior Elementary! Yesterday we spent the day at the Summer Palace. You can google it to see fabulous pictures of this area without the masses of people that were in attendance with us yesterday. Beijing is a massive city and Monday through Friday this week are their Labor Day holiday--which means people everywhere! Being tall and a different nationality certain helps us stay together, and also gets lots of stares! Trixi is about 7 months pregnant, blonde and about my height, she gets attention wherever she goes. It's unheard of for someone in her condition to be out in public. My favorite is when the older women just shake their head in disgust and her naive ways! Last evening Shawn gave us a fabulous cooking lesson for dinner and we fell into bed in preparation for today's trip to the Great Wall. We get a great workout every day and I've been warned that today will be a day filled with steps--Simon couldn't be more excited, as you can see from the pictures he embraces every huge flight of stairs as a challenge to his youthful legs--Trixi, Tami and I not so much. I leave you with the images and faces of our trip so far.

The bags are packed, the anticipation is high...

The bags are packed and we're counting down the hours until we're boarded and headed off on our adventure. I will do my best to post pictures and an update every couple of days. Our flight leaves Minneapolis tomorrow at 10:30 am, we fly to Toronto, have a 2 hour layover and then lift off to Beijing at 4:30 Toronto time. We will land in Beijing at 4:30 local time which will be about 3:30 am central time. We will be tired, but excited. It's really great that at 44-years-old you can still feel so excited about something that you can't sleep at night and you have butterflies in your stomach. It's also a thrill to watch Simon's excitement as we count down the days. Tami arrives this evening and we will do our best to stay up late so that sleeping on the plane tomorrow comes more easily. We've been informed that springtime is well underway in Beijing and we should hit the height of their spring flowers! I can't tell you how excited we are to see something green... Next post -- China!

Stay Tuned for "Day at the Lake"

Book photo taken! Eagerly awaiting the release of "Day at the Lake"--spring 2013