Lately, when the mornings are mild, I make my way to my front steps as the kids drive off. I wave. And I pray. Keep them safe, Lord. Everything I love is driving away from me. Away from my protection. Away from my input and guidance. Away from my feeble attempts to keep them from harm. I watch from the steps until they've safely pulled onto the highway. They blend into the morning traffic and they're gone.
On mornings when I'm busy getting myself ready or have to be at the office early, they sneak away without my watchful eye. My insides worry that I didn't say my safety prayer to get them through their commute to school. It seemed easier when I pray over them as they slept in my arms or as I peeled them off my leg and transferred them to their teacher. Now it's a hurried plea as they throw their car into drive and turn on the radio. It's completely cliche, but we've moved through those transitions at lightning speed.
We are just on the brink of another transition. In just months and minutes, one of these babies won't be snuggling in the safety of our home or coming home after a day at school or be the daily driver of my precious cargo. In a blink Henry will be off to his next adventure.
Our days right now are filled with lots of lasts. Hear me when I say that I am completely grateful for the knowledge and savoring of these lasts--his last prom, last research paper, last juggling show, last day he drives away as a high school senior. These lasts are easier than the lasts that happened while we were living without a thought that there wouldn't be another.
I get asked often how I feel about Henry leaving next fall. I'll be honest, I also ask myself that all the time. How will I feel when he's gone? In some quiet ways, I feel like he's partway gone already and that's okay. This is a process and there's no need to have it happen all at once. Ultimately, it's my job to make him not need me. I'm not afraid to say goodbye as he drives away. I've survived a goodbye that meant no more phone calls, no more text messages or no more coming through the front door and announcing that he's home. Yes, Henry will leave us, but his leaving is the end of a chapter, not the end of the book.
So now I'm the one counting down the departure. I stand by the door and yell--three months, two months and lots more orders that probably go in one ear and out the other. In my heart, I know he'll be fine. He'll stumble. He'll make mistakes that he shares with me and ones that he doesn't. When he succeeds he'll be able to claim it as his own. He'll appreciate all of us more after he's gone, but it will take time before he admits it. I'll continue my feeble attempts to keep him safe from afar and he'll continue to humor me in my attempts.
I've looked at this blog for several days now, trying to come up with a nice way to wrap it all up, find a nice moral to leave you with. But this isn't that kind of post. This story continues and will hold lots more lessons for me and Henry in the months and years to come and I'll likely share those with you, as well. Soon enough, I'll be standing by the door counting down the months and days for Bea. The stretching and learning has just begun for each of us. Instead, I'll leave you with the song that has been the background music in my head while I've pounded away at my computer the last couple of days. There's a good deal of wisdom in the words about letting go. Enjoy.
"You'll Find Your Way" by Andrew Peterson
When I look at you, boy
I can see the road that lies ahead
I can see the love and the sorrow
Bright fields of joy
Dark nights awake in a stormy bed
I want to go with you, but I can’t follow
So keep to the old roads
Keep to the old roads
And you’ll find your way
Your first kiss, your first crush
The first time you know you’re not enough
The first time there’s no one there to hold you
The first time you pack it all up
And drive alone across America
Please remember the words that I told you
Keep to the old roads
Keep to the old roads
And you’ll find your way
You’ll find your way
If love is what you’re looking for
The old roads lead to an open door
And you’ll find your way
You’ll find your way
Back home
And I know you'll be scared when you take up that cross
And I know it'll hurt, 'cause I know what it costs
And I love you so much and it's so hard to watch
But you're gonna grow up and you're gonna get lost
Just go back, go back
Go back, go back to the ancient paths
Lash your heart to the ancient mast
And hold on, boy, whatever you do
To the hope that's taken hold of you
And you'll find your way
You'll find your way
If love is what you’re looking for
The old roads lead to an open door
And you’ll find your way
You’ll find your way
Back home
